this side of the blue

i've read so many short stories recently from such a diverse group of authors i can't remember any names or titles, but it's been interesting. i like short stories a lot, and wish i had spent more of my childhood reading them. it's kind of made me discover that's what i want to do, you know? i mean, i still want to be a teacher. but when i was growing up, i really loved to write. i never talk about this because my passion for writing has been drained over the past few years. i've been calling it 'writers block' but now i know that's not what it was. it was like a repression of creativity, and it was me giving up because i knew that chances of ever being satisfied with myself or my life as Ashley the Writer was so out there and unattainable i couldn't bring myself to try. i felt like i spent my childhood constantly trying to prove myself to the people around me and was never quite good enough for too many people--my peers, my mom, my teachers, most of all myself. and i felt like once i was an adult i'd automatically be more in charge of my own life. failing wasn't an option. i was going to get everything i wanted and it was all going to fall into place like a cubist painting. Mom taught me that. that was her life. you are what you come from.

i don't know, i still want to do things. i want to do more. i know i am better than this, and i know i have limits too, but i know i've barely stretched my legs and i don't want to sit back my whole life either. teaching children and opening their eyes will always be something that makes me feel good and like i'm contributing something to the world but i want to do something in my spare time that helps me put things into perspective. a form of creative expression that reflects my thoughts or feelings about myself or my world. i think it depends on the person, but my form of doing that is by writing. James' is creating music, and mine is writing.

anyway, all i was saying was i wished i had spent more time trying to write short stories instead of an actual book. it would have disciplined me to keep my focus and try to wrap up my thoughts so that the reader could take something away from it. that's what reading is all about, after all. taking thoughts from somewhere and putting them somewhere else.