depending on how much i drink tonight, i'll either write up a "best of 09" entry tonight or tomorrow. for now, here are some new years resolutions.

1. keep up a regular meal routine with less take-out
2. listen to more music.
3. keep steadily reading a non-school book.
4. not keep alcohol in the house except for special occassions.
5. try to remain calm when james pisses me off.
6. not wait until the morning of to get school work done.
7. always be working on a zine.

<3

three days before Christmas!

grades for the semester are finalized - 3 A's and 1 B+. damn that College Alg keeping me back from having a perfect semester. still though, i'm fairly satisfied with the grades.

Christmas shopping: nearly there! just gotta pick up something for Bruce, which i think Mom is going to do tonight, so i'll give her the cash for it. still gotta wrap though. maybe i can get off my ass some point tonight and do it. i've spent far too much money on my nephew, but i'm glad i did. Christmas is really for the little ones, anyway.

used all my vaca time for the rest of the year; i had two days left after i came back from England. not bad!

making Christmas cupcakes on Thursday night. contemplating making egg nog w/ rum. we'll see how popular it is.

if luck has anything to do with it, i'll still have my job next year.

to-do list:

1. wrap gifts
2. go to store and buy some household items (including stuff to make cupcakes)
3. clean bathroom/straighten bedroom
4. buy Bruce's Christmas gift
5. try to finish 'inspired' zine over Christmas weekend. possibly shoot for new years as a due date?
6. finish reading Persepolis

wow, that's it, and most of it is only hobbies/for pleasure. i feel so unfulfilled!

ahhhhhhhhh i'm always making mountains out of molehills. so today wasn't SO BAD. i was welcomed warmly at work [another added bonus of my job; everyone loves everyone, mostly], and class was yes intimidating - i have a test on Wednesday which means i roughly have a day and a half to learn several sections of new material and do a lot of homework - but it isn't impossible, and besides, i've had worse. i think i can do it. the test, well it really shouldn't be too hard as long as i study tomorrow night. and really college alg is the only class i'm worried about. the others i'm still right on task, so yay for preparing and shit.

i've made very little progress on the Christmas zine. fuck me and my lazy fucking fat ass.

here's a rough to-do list for now;

1. buy secret Santa present for next week x-mas party
2. buy present for the department Chinese gift exchange this Friday
3. bake + decorate sugar cookies + send them off to James with a package o' goods
4. FINISH ZINE
5. make rough Christmas list of "important people to buy things for"
6. don't stop doing school work
7. also try to keep reading for pleasure. i'm on such a role now!

i finished The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole and loved it. there are supposed to be others. must seek them out soon.

i'm back!

i got in last night around 7-ish. i've got this massive pile of laundry and other suitcase items strewn over the hallway outside my room. i threw all my dirty jeans into the laundry but haven't bothered doing anything else yet. i'm putting off schoolwork like fuck because i'm all paranoid about it now that i know i'm behind and i missed 2 math classes while i was on Holiday and basically, i'm frightened of failing. but i need TO CALM DOWN because i seriously do this every single semester. yes, the thought "i'm going to fail, i'm going to fail!' actually pitter-patters through my mind at some point each semester, and i always get A's! that makes me sounds sick or something.

but i digress. England was lovely. well if you want to know the truth, England was kind of annoying because the weather was mostly bad (cold and rainy though not freezing), but this actually had little to no effect on what a nice time i had, apart from not being able to see the Penguins or do much of anything. however, that was sort of the plan, to not do anything. just laze around with my boyfriend, sex, sexy stuff, cuddle, laugh, watch films, share meaningful glances, hang out with his family, eat, drink, and spoon while sleeping.

and now here i am back in the warmth of Florida in my parents house and apart from being in my comfort zone and squeezing my dog and playing with my nephew nothing all that great has presented itself, because i really do not want to go to work tomorrow or school either. i will anyway though, you do what you gotta do.

i'm going to try to finish my christmas zine today, if i can. or at least make a dern good start on it. the goal is to have posted them all by next weekend. which means i'm on a tight schedule since i have lots of other things to think about, too. god!

here's the list so far on WHO is getting an ashley x-mas zine:

james
david
esther
mom
shannon
melissa
jen
christina
mim + gramps
erin
jeff
ryan

and possibly a few more.

ahhhhhhhhhh i need to get back into this.

here's a quickie, as i'm about to go to bed.

i'm excited about going to England at the end of the month, but i'm also going to be stressing until i'm actually in Torquay, because i have way too much schoolwork between now and then and i'm worried i'll manage to fall off the face of the earth when trying to catch a train out of London. i don't know why that should feel so scary when driving doesn't bother me anymore. it's probably cause i'll be in a foreign country, which weirdly enough feels like being on a different planet sometimes.

ah well! it'll be a week of doing nothing but fucking my boyfriend and watching films. i'm really excited.

next semester i get to take a bunch of cool classes, well not really. but i do get to have real classroom experience with elementary students so i'm psyched.

work is busy and scary.

the only way to do this is to convince myself to not be afraid to lose him. that's the way it's gotta be for me.

i keep going back and forth on whether or not i should actually start taking this blog seriously and writing things of importance in it. or at least organize it to become a blog for my zines and writing. but i don't know.

i dunno.

i forced myself to start working on the Ripley zine this weekend. i went through a fat stack of clippings and found some really good ones to set aside. i can see a lot of cool things happening with this zine. Mim will be in Florida shortly i can drain her dry for stories. i need ideas. i have some already but i need to be inspired. i'm counting on the clippings for inspiration. they will be the zine foundation.

i hope it comes out as i imagine it. i remember when i was working on Agnes Briggs, i had a really specific idea in my head of what i wanted, and the end result was very close to what i had in mind. i want that to happen again. i hope it does.

you know, zines make me really very happy. i wish i had known about them about 10 years ago.

i started reading cultor sore #15 last night. i fell asleep with it lazing on my chest. it was pretty good. it had a lot of music and book reviews in it, something i've never seen a lot of in a perzine before.

Hellboy was pretty good. and Dark Crystal was fun. James and i had fun watching it.

this weekend James looked at me as i layed on my stomach naked and said i was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. he said it with such emotion, and it really moved me and made me feel treasured.

Revolutionary Road was pretty good. not amaaazing or the best movie of the year or anything, but pretty good. interesting. enjoyable. i'd see it again. kate and leo are good together, honestly. i've never been the hugest fan of Dicaprio, but i like him a lot more than i ever used to, especially when he's coupled up with her.

i watched the Hepburn version of Little Women the other day, too. it was good, but i'll never love any version of that film more than the newer one.

let's see. there was actually something specific i wanted to put in here, but now i can't remember what.

i have a lot of movies i have at the house that need to be watched. Jeff let me borrow about four, and i've only watched one (the film Freaks, which i'd already seen, but Mom hadn't, gooble-gobble!). now i still need to watch Hearts in Atlantis, A Mighty Wind, and something else by the same director as the second one. forget the name.

i rented Hellboy, which i've never seen before, but i've wanted to for awhile now, so James and i are going to hit that one up this weekend! yeah!

that's about it! i need to get back into reading some novels, all i've been reading are zines lately. and i need to at least try and push myself to keep working on my own zine[s].

the Regina gig i was supposed to attend is happening next week. i'm selling the ticket on eBay. sob.

mim and gramps will be here in a couple weeks!

what an awful, awful weekend. i had the worst fucking case of a cold i've ever had possibly my whole life, so i seriously didn't do anything. i didn't watch anything, i didn't read anything, i barely spoke to anyone because every time i tried to no sound came out. it was actually pretty scary.

i'm still sick, but i'm climbing my way back towards normal now so i'm just utterly grateful. i remember when i was a kid i used to like getting sick, because it meant i could stay home from school, watch TV and get to watch all the cartoons i never got to see during the day. nowadays, i'd just rather go to work. not because i don't want to part with a vacation day, but being sick isn't that fun anymore. i don't know, when i was a kid it just didn't seem to affect me much. i didn't get sick then as much as i do now, anyhow. i can only remember one really bad case of mono and that's about it. anyhow.

i read a zine today though, about a prostitute and her clientele. THAT was interesting.

i went to math tonight, and i think i did learn something, too. now i'm going to do my Astronomy and maybe watch a film before i head off to bed. got work in the morning. goodnight!

this weekend was actually really, really nice, considering i didn't really do anything. for one thing, the boyfriend and i have been as horny as rabbits on viagra and i've been a naughty, naughty little girl. THAT was fun.

i'm actually really tired tonight, and i need to go to bed very soon, but i wanted to write in here, do some homework, and straighten my room first. i'll only be another hour or so.

on the flip side of this whole pent up sexual frustration, i've also been incredibly lonely. which, you know, may be WHY i've been going off like a roman candle and all. Ashley craves contact with another human being. it's been far too long, now. i don't know what i'll do if i have to wait too much longer. i try, i mean i really try, to throw myself into my books and my studies and my music or films or something of that nature to get my mind off it. reading seems to be the best escape for me. i need to make another zine. i think that will make me feel happy.

god knows there's plenty enough going on to keep me busy. i need to start doing some early xmas shopping, i need to save money for new car tires, and a hotel for Shannon's wedding. god, i hate money. it always makes me feel blue as hell. [Holden Caufield].

so, my Psychology of Adjustment class. eh. she keeps forcing us to talk about our feelings and shit. i don't like it. i don't like talking about things that make me stressed. i always try my hardest to shove that shit to the back of my mind, because worrying is a waste of time! it's like the whole purpose of the class is for us to adjust and recognize our behavior patterns that affect us negatively, but all it's doing is making me remember i actually have problems, and i like to play the denial game.

right, so i'm going to go do my maths homework now.

so far, i have absolutely no complaints about any of my teachers this semester, or if i do, they are so petty and minimal i feel foolish even stating them. so, that's good. i'm actually... enjoying the classes. even College Algebra. i know! it's weird. i wouldn't be surprised if this changes in a week or two, though.

i read a zine last night called 17 Strangers. and oh my god, i loved this one part so much, i'm going to type it out here-

One time, when I was growing up but still living at home with my mom, a rabbit family moved into her small herb garden out back. A mother rabbit made a little nest for her babies underneath a bushy herb plant, which my mom noticed one day because she saw something under there that looked like an animal. It startled her for a moment because she thought it was something dead. But it was the nest. Apparently rabbits make nests from fluffs of fur and other soft things. A kind of wild mattress ticking.

The mother had her tiny, trembly babies there and for a few weeks we had sightings of them from the kitchen window. There was just one time that I was able to get close to one of them. I happened to be out in the yard, mincing through the wet grass toward the garden to cut a few sprays of one of the plants for cooking - basil or rosemary, probably. A still summer day; the air was thick and close and the sun was warm on my arms and the top of my head. And sitting right there in front of me was a tiny brown baby, no bigger than the palm of one of my small hands. Because it was so new, so foolish, it wasn't afraid of me, and it just sat there as I crunched down to look closer. Its ears were comically outsized and almost diaphanous - I could see the red veins in them. It held perfectly still, and because it was so small its heartbeat made it dip back and forth. This is what I remember about this rabbit and have thought about many times since.

A few years later I was looking at a book on American Sign Language and I learned that the ASL word for animal is formed by pressing your hands together at the blades, palms facing your chest, and rocking them open and closed. The book explained that this mimics the motion of an animal's heartbeat rocking its whole body. I can't tell you how beautiful I think it is, the idea that this striking moment - which I'd thought belonged only to me and this tiny rabbit I met once - would be considered central enough to animal existence that it is its NAME. A heartbeat so strong it makes you sway.

<3

i wrote this really personal entry just now. but i decided i can't post it here. mainly because this blog, well, it has a reputation for being boring and i don't want to let down all my faaaaans.

also, i put the link to this blog on my facebook and myspace, which means just about everyone i know can read it. we can't have that!

so i posted the personal stuff to my personal, secret e-diary and it's all good.

so what's goin' on, besides what i don't want to say?

nothing, really. i had the laziest weekend in the history of the world. instead of staying on task and doing what i should have, such as school work, and laundry--OH SO EXCITING--i sat around in a nighty watching far too much TV. so, there you have it.

i DID, however: play with my nephew; wash my bed sheets; watch 2 episodes of 30 Rock; watch several movies, and all my Netflix; make a mixed cd for my car.

yee-haw.

now i gotta finish my fucking math homework. holla.

fuck three day weekends. they only bring out the lazy in me.

today is my last day of "freedom" [though how free am i, REALLY?], and i'm going to straighten the room, do homework, possibly go to the movies later. and that's about it.

i'm on an extended lunch because my boss is absent minded. he asked me to pick him up this morning from the car shop, and he left his brief case in the side car, so he asked me to pick it up while i took my lunch. i moaned and complained, so he allowed me to leave 45 minutes early. there certainly are perks to being the bosses favorite. i dunno how i got into that position actually, i'm usually nobodies favorite, but he likes me!

wee.

plans for the weekend? i dunno! i've been anxiously awaiting some feedback for Agnes Briggs: Fairy Tale Stories. i know that's silly, since i only just sent them out like a few days ago. and i already know i probably won't be accepted into any distros. but it would be amazing if i did. i need to keep writing, and creating, and reading. so i can strive harder.

i guess other than that, i'll try to start reading some of my Astronomy and Psychology books... we don't really have any assignments due until late next week, but i really should try not to leave all my reading until the last night. plus, i have a maths test next week, and i need to do my homework.

why the fuck am i so boring.

oh well. i have a thing for Christopher Knight. i'd totally do him.

so by this time tomorrow i think i should be COMPLETELY finished with my zine. yes!

i've been working on it nearly every night this week. and by "working on it", i don't mean a few minutes here or there, i mean all-out the whole night from the time i get home from work until 12 or 1 in the morning. and yesterday, i got home around 1:30pm [took half a day], so i pretty much worked on it for eight hours. damn!

so yeah. anyone reading this that is interested in making a zine, it isn't something to take lightly. it could take you months, maybe even a year, to finish it, actually. and mine is only 64 pages.

anyway! oh, school starts on Monday. which is part of the reason i've been rushing around this week trying to finish this. i'm going to be very busy starting Monday, something i have mixed feelings about. i can't tell yet how things are going to go this semester, but i hope i don't end up going crazy. i'm kinda nervous. i want to be able to handle it, so i can keep up pace and graduate, oh, in the next 10 years.

plus, if i can keep up and stay busy, well then that means i have less time to sit around doing nothing, less time to be depressed or lonely. also a good thing.

i'm trying to think if there's anything else worth mentioning... hm, i read 2 books last week: The Secret Garden [lovely], and Thirteen Reasons Why [hmm]. i wanted to finish another book before school, but yeah, doesn't look like that is going to happen. i'm like Rachael Ray, i take on too many things at once. only she never drops anything.

i watched an anime film recently, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, and i really liked it. it was kind of weird/interesting, and i really liked the way it ended and it was cute, and i want to see the sequel [i think there will be one, anyway]. there is a prequel which i haven't seen yet, either. i was thinking about the movie Paprika the other day. how i really liked it because it was so weird/trippy and it had such weird characters and dialogue, but in all honesty the storyline was utter shit.

today Gwen was talking about how she can't wait to see the new Halloween 2 movie. what the fuck. the remake was awful. everything was obnoxious and loud and stupid and boring and awful. gave me a headache. and i know the original isn't particularly well-acted or anything, and it's all cheesy, and i don't really expect any kind of amazing performances in horror films, but... still. it's a classic. can i just say that without having to justify? yeah, i can.

i don't feel like writing right now, but i'm going to make a to-do list because i there are several things i need to take care of over the next month or so.

stuff to take care of:

+finish my zine; that is, set up the pages, copy, bind, and distribute.
+contact Jenny about the drawings if she does not respond by tomorrow
+look up zip code for the Tabernacle in ATL, Ga; try to find cheap hotels nearby.
+buy a graphing calculator for my next math course.
+return shirt to Torrid
+send off package of books to James
+check my Higheroneaccount and see when my next deposit is coming in.
+start working on my halloween costume!
+start saving for Christmas; possibly browsing online and making a gift list.

i think this is good for now. i know there is more i need to consider and take care of, but if i can at least get this done i'll be happy.

in other news, apart from withdrawing for the god-awful History class, i got straight A's for the summer semester, so i was happy. and tonight was Peyton's birthday, and Erin made him a Spongebob cake and i got a lot of video footage. it was cute.

oops, been slacking on this a bit. well, i haven't done much lately at all, and plus, i've been so preoccupied! all these ideas for future zines have been flowing through me like water and it's very exciting for me. last night, i was going to edit and stuff, but our AC broke and i was too hot and sweaty to do ANYTHING. i hate that.

it's nice and cold in here now though, so i'm going to work on it tonight.

i finished my Summer B semester and i think i got an A, so i'm happy about that. my fall semester though... aye aye aye. gonna be brutal. i'm taking Astronomy, Psychology of Adjustment, Career Exploration, and College Algebra. all online barring the math. YIPES.

and it cost me $374 for my books! i'm running really low on funds, so i'm in desperate need of a refill... supposed to be getting my next batch at the end of the month, i believe. which is good, because i'll need to buy a pricey graphing calculator.

work has been boring the bejesus out of me lately. i don't know what's what anymore, but every day that i'm there, i spent 95% of the time daydreaming about what i'd rather be doing, and half the time doing things i shouldn't, like writing, reading, doing schoolwork, and stuff. i have a piss poor attitude about it this past month, and i need to get BACK ON TRACK. i'm just so bored of my work. i'm also discouraged, because our business is plummeting and i'm worried. i know i need my job. i'll be very sorry if i lose it, because i have bills. but i'm just so restless lately. if things were better in the business, i don't think i'd be so bad. but i feel very willful lately.

i guess that's it. i'm going to go edit some words, and then maybe read before bed. have a couple of short stories to finish up!

i've read so many short stories recently from such a diverse group of authors i can't remember any names or titles, but it's been interesting. i like short stories a lot, and wish i had spent more of my childhood reading them. it's kind of made me discover that's what i want to do, you know? i mean, i still want to be a teacher. but when i was growing up, i really loved to write. i never talk about this because my passion for writing has been drained over the past few years. i've been calling it 'writers block' but now i know that's not what it was. it was like a repression of creativity, and it was me giving up because i knew that chances of ever being satisfied with myself or my life as Ashley the Writer was so out there and unattainable i couldn't bring myself to try. i felt like i spent my childhood constantly trying to prove myself to the people around me and was never quite good enough for too many people--my peers, my mom, my teachers, most of all myself. and i felt like once i was an adult i'd automatically be more in charge of my own life. failing wasn't an option. i was going to get everything i wanted and it was all going to fall into place like a cubist painting. Mom taught me that. that was her life. you are what you come from.

i don't know, i still want to do things. i want to do more. i know i am better than this, and i know i have limits too, but i know i've barely stretched my legs and i don't want to sit back my whole life either. teaching children and opening their eyes will always be something that makes me feel good and like i'm contributing something to the world but i want to do something in my spare time that helps me put things into perspective. a form of creative expression that reflects my thoughts or feelings about myself or my world. i think it depends on the person, but my form of doing that is by writing. James' is creating music, and mine is writing.

anyway, all i was saying was i wished i had spent more time trying to write short stories instead of an actual book. it would have disciplined me to keep my focus and try to wrap up my thoughts so that the reader could take something away from it. that's what reading is all about, after all. taking thoughts from somewhere and putting them somewhere else.

i like to post entries on the last day of the month. i don't know why.

most recently i've been acting a little more distanced than usual. and by distanced i mean, from pretty much everyone, even James. i just get like that sometimes. usually it's because i have such an obsessive personality and when i make my mind up that i like something and really dig it, i go all crazy and spend every waking moment that i'm not in insurance land doing it! and recently, i've discovered the wonders of the zine scene, and i'm wondering why it took me 25 years to discover how awesome it is. and usually the term 'awesome' is overused, but in this case it fits perfectly!

so an amazing idea for my own personal zine struck me just out of nowhere one night. it seems that's how all good ideas come to me. just out of nowhere, like they catch me off guard. so i think that's my subconscious telling me not to over-think everything, because i'm usually at my best when i'm all haphazard and shit.

anyway, my zine is going to be a little book of short stories based LOOSELY on life experiences of yours truly! the fun part is that the theme is going to be fairytale. so that means it will have princesses, fanciful language, and all that good junk. and it's been really fun writing it. i also found someone who is going to work with me on making it pretty [illustrations and whatnot], and i bought STOLEN SHARPIE REVOLUTION which promises to be very helpful for a zine-amateur such as myself.

i am very excited. i'm hoping a distro will pick it up, but i can't put all my hopes into that, because let's face it, it's not overly likely. but i take comfort in knowing that there are at least social zine websites out there filled with people that are doing the same thing as me: making zines, wanting to trade zines, discuss zines etc. on wemakezines.ning.com i've met a few really interesting people already, so i can't wait to finish it now.

other than zines, that's really all that's going on with me! HOLLA.

happy 3 years to James and me! three years, man, and i still call him my best friend. he wrote me this cute ass poem. that sounds so high school, but it was simple and sweet. not all lame or anything. also got some Bibio and a duck bookmark and a biography and a wind-up of Hey Jude.

James, if you're reading this. love ya, baby. you're the cutest little disabled boy on the face of the earth. since i was 15 i wanted to jump your bones, and now, ten years later, i HAVE jumped your bones, and i will again the next time i see you. i hope i make you a happier man too.

been busy, but not crazy. just pleasantly busy. trying to get back into things that make me happier. picking up books more, spending less time on the internets, writing, even playing video games a little. [hey, it counts!] also been reading a lot of literature assigned by my English teacher and finally starting to see the beauty in poetry.

the past few days i have been pondering over whether or not i should make a zine, or specifically, what i'd put in it if i did. i haven't decided yet. i want to write fiction loosely based on experiences, sort of. but maybe i'd just be better off writing more from the heart? i don't know. see, i think most zines are more personal than just fiction stories. like blogging only a lot less obnoxious. i don't know yet. an acquaintance of mine, Katie, reads and reviews zines [her website with zine catalog - www.parcellpress.com], and i've been talking to her a little about the whole thing. her interest in it is what reminded me that it's always been something i wanted to do too, actually. i bought a zine on her website, too. it should be nice. a lot of them do look really nice. it's hard not be inspired by them. they are heartfelt but not sappy, personal but not tmi, nostalgic but not ridiculous.

(Katie's latest zine)

there's something about making a zine that really appeals to me. the whole idea of having this finished project, something that i created, i just think it would make me feel really good. and make me feel like my life isn't such a waste, either. but we'll see. more about zines when things develop!

had an ethical school-related issue today, but already resolved it, spoke with the professor. the ball is in her court, so hopefully i did the right thing. i think i did...

Harry Potter 6 did not disappoint. it's about fucking time. :)

every once in awhile, something on etsy catches my eye and i simply can't say no. i already spend too much money on that website as it is, but i know if i put my foot down i could say no and be over it. yet every once in awhile... i find the PERFECT ITEM and there is no stopping myself.


http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=21573896

i don't care if i'm about to lose my job. i must have that. yeah, i already have a lovely truckette bag that has little birdies on it, but right now i could give a fuck less. i NEED that bag. not want. NEED.

was reading A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami just now, and this one part, which i liked a lot, really struck a vivid image in my head-

each women has a drawer marked "beautiful" stuffed full of all sorts of meaningless junk. that's my specialty. i pull out all those pieces of junk one by one, dust them off, and find some kind of meaning in them. that's all that sex appeal really is, i think. but so what? what's that good for? there's nowhere to go from there short of stopping being myself.

just wanted to share before i forgot. i always find little things in stuff i read or see, and i mean to use this blog to document it--christ, that's why i opened this blog to begin with--anyway, i always forget!

i have a little tummy ache [damn that McFlurry], so i'm going to continue laying here and reading.

left American History a little early tonight... i swear i get nothing from the mans lectures. he aint just boring, he's irrelevant. i'm much better off going over the chapter on my own while taking notes. blah. i'm actually sort of looking forward to writing this History paper, though [for once!]. i've decided to do it on hippie communes of the 1960's! yeah! luckily, i found enough references to do it, and if i need more material, well, i'll just bullshit. i'm good at that.

work has been stressful. things aren't going too well. i'm trying my hardest not to think about it though, so that means i don't want to write about it much here. i'll probably feel more comfortable dealing with it after it's over. so yeah!

i feel like i haven't had a decent conversation with my boyfriend in like a decade. between school, vacation, homework, work, stress, and gigs we've been missing each other a lot. so we are due a hot n' heavy date this weekend.

i spent some time last night reading old email conversations between TJ and me, and man did it make me miss him. he was the awesome big brother i never had. i don't know who is more fucked up, him or Laura. i also can't even decide which of the two understood me better, but i think they both did in their own little ways. man, sometimes the past is depressing. at least that time in my life is. i was in transit.

uh.... i can't think of anything else to write. i haven't done anything lately that isn't school and work related, so there you go. i'd bore myself going into grave detail over this shit, so i'm going to have a cookie instead.

MASSACHUSETTS

Thursday - we left the house around 5:30; got to the airport a little before 6. Bruce dropped Mom and me off. there was a slight hicupp at check-in due to some flight schedule changes, but nothing a bit of griping didn't fix. actually it made it better. we managed to get on the same flight to Atlanta, and get on the standby list which got us to Rhode Island roughly around noon, 3 hours before schedule. we played cards on the plane, and i only felt slightly nauseous. Shannon picked us up in Providence, and we drove to Kelly Maranda's house. visited with her and Cathy for a bit, they rolled a joint, then we had some lunch [i had a clam chowder bread bowl and some absolutely delicious onion rings]. took a few pics, then went on our merry way. drove to Auntie Sharlene's, greeted Missy, Auntie, Uncle Tim, and Matt. drove to Wrights for dinner. ate only a bit of chicken [unfortunately i was way too full to eat much]. talked about MJ's death a bit; perused the gift shop, but only came out with a little notepad, an eco friendly storage bag, and some key toppers. drove to Auntie Sharons trailer, greeted her and Uncle Kevin. stayed for a bit.

Friday - woke up around 9:30ish. got showered and dressed, went to breakfast at Crackerbarrel's with Shannon, Mom, and the Kiely's. had a veggie skillet and a blueberry muffin. drove around with Shannon and Mom and spent the day sight seeing. visited Hayward Landing, drove past Mimere and Pepe's, visited great grandparents and "the little fisherman's" graves; stopped by the hair salon Auntie Denise works at to say hello. visited the old farmhouse; the Ebels; drove through Douglas, and the village in Northbridge. met up with Matt and Missy for dinner at Brian's. had pasta primavera [it was HUGE]. Shannon and Missy had a lobster. drove to Auntie Sharon's trailer for karaoke. sang with Mom "I'll Fly Away", sang "White Trash Wedding" by the Dixie Chicks with Jenny, sang RESPECT with Auntie, sang "Goodbye Earl" by myself. had a weak screw driver. drove back to Auntie's, sat on the couch with Missy, Jenn, and Matt and talked. went out for late night donuts. went to bed around midnight.

Saturday - woke up around 10am. had a donut for breakfast. showered, dressed, waited around for Shannon to get ready, then Shannon and i drove and picked up Jackie and Vickie. hugs ensued. drove to the theater to see "The Hangover." i bought some nachos and bottled water. watched "The Hangover". it sucked, i was the only one who thought so. after the movie, we drove to Papa Ginos. ordered two large cheese pizza's to split. drove by a strip club called Sweaty Betty's. Uncle Roland met up with us. drove back to Uncle Rollies, Shannon smoked, then we all took pictures. left Uncle Rolands, and it was pissing rain. struggled to get in the car without getting drenched. dropped the girls off back at their house, then Shannon and i drove back to Aunties. got soaked on the way in. visited with the Kiely's. was going to have a bonfire but the rain spoiled it. instead watched TV in the living room, then Missy, Shannon, Matt, and i sat and talked. devised a plan for the following day. went to bed upstairs with Shannon. put on Scary Movie 2 til i fell asleep.

Sunday - woken up by Shannon around 8. took a prompt shower, dressed in my dressy pants and a purple shirt. after everyone was ready, followed Matt to Sudberry, MA to the Wayside Inn. got there a little after 11am. greeted Mimere and Gramps, who were totally shocked to see us, as well as the rest of the family. hugged Dan, Ben, Dan's girlfriend, Kayla, Nick, Erika, Auntie Sheryl. took all the professional family pictures. lots and lots of them. everyone looked spiffy. went inside around noon for anniversary dinner. sat with Shannon, Matt, Missy, Jenn, and Phil. had clam chowder, a biscuit, turkey, and a strawberry thing for dessert. was pretty delish. had a couple mamosa's or whatever they're called. [orange juice and champagne]. left before 2; drove back to Auntie's for the afterparty. got stinking drunk on vodka and cranberry juice. FUN. ate a shitload: meatballs, baked ziti, and a shit load of cookies. spilled ziti and Mom's meatballs all over my jeans in a drunken mess. rolled my eyes as Mimere announced she was going to get "SHIT FACED." got annoyed when Uncle Kevin told Auntie "all the kids are getting drunk" and was given a talking-two. visited with my cousins most of the day. watched Mim get teared up looking at her scrap book. people started leaving around 9. sat around with my cousins for a bit longer, then went to bed around 10. so tired.

Monday - woke up around 11. showered and dressed, then Shannon and i drove down to Auntie Sheryl's for lunch with Mim, Gramps, Mom, Bruce, Dan, Ben, and Ashley. had Harry's pizza for lunch YUM. only had a slice or 2, wasn't overly hungry. hung around with them til about 3. watched Auntie Sheryl's dog have a seizure. scary stuff. hugged everyone goodbye, then drove back to Auntie Sharlene's for a couple hours. laid around for a bit, started packing all my shit, then Shannon and i drove to Debbie's with the aid of a GPS. got there around 5pm. hugged the shit out of Deb and Brian. sat on their deck, had some nachos, then an Italian sausage and some steak tips for dinner. stayed and visited only for a couple hours; took pictures. left around 8pm. had to be up at 3am to catch a plane.

Tuesday - woke up around 2:30. showered, then woke Shannon. dressed, finished last minute packing, left the house a little after 4am. drove to Providence airport in record time. said bye to Shannon, had a helluva stressful time managing to get to my plane on time. almost didn't make it. by the time i got to the terminal the plane had already left the gate, and had to sprint across the runway. from then on had an uneventful, stress-free flight back to Daytona. got back to my home a little after noon. unpacked; did laundry, comforted the dog, had some pizza, slept on and off.

TODAY - worked til 5. went to class at 6; first History class. a little boring, but easy. discovered i have to write a history paper on anything i want from 1865-present. got home a couple hours ago. been cleaning and comforting Simon further.

soup time!

i watched Être et Avoir (To Be and To Have) this afternoon. it was such a sweet documentary. the little children were lovely, and so was the teacher. it made even more anxious to finish school and get into a classroom already, but it also makes me feel like i won't be up to snuff. i mean yeah, i think as far as teaching goes i'll be pretty good (hopefully), but i'm not too sure of myself around children. well, i don't plan on teaching really little kids, but i do want to teach younger children at first--maybe 5th grade or somewhere around there--and i haven't had a lot of experience with kids, really. i want to say i could relate to them pretty well but i'm not sure. it's not just that, though. i hope i can handle them okay. it'd be one thing if i only had a kid or two at a time, but a whole classroom! i know from my own school days that it's quite a skill to maintain control over a classroom, yet at the same time not be too uptight of an atmosphere. i won't want to be a Mrs. Crumplebottom or something.

i watched a lot of stuff this weekend... well, a few things. lots of TV. a few episodes of 30 Rock (which was pretty good), Fat Actress, Soap, and a handful of South Park season 8. i also watched Synecdoche, New York - eh. i've got some laundry done just now, and i'm trying to sort through my clothes and only wear what i won't bring with me on vacation so i won't have to do anymore laundry at the last minute. i hate packing. it's a pain in the ass.

i'm very anxious to see what my grade is for my Psych paper. i won't know til Wednesday, though. EEEP. i hope i get an A in the class. i got all A's on every test with the exception of one, so as long as i got an A on my paper and do well on the final exam i should... i think.

took a personal day today. i didn't sleep well last night. i'm being more lax this year... i know James and i probably won't see much of one another, therefore there isn't much point in saving all my vaca days for him. i'll save a handful though. just in case.

i slept in this morning and i feel better, only i have a crappy headache that stubbornly refuses to get lost! i hate that. i was going to go out and take care of things for my MA trip next week but i just feel too shit to do much. i spent most of the day moping around watching TV. had some yogurt and a cup of soup. i'm kind of hungry now though. i should eat something more. i don't even have any school work to keep me company! you can you believe it?

i was going to see Brittany on Saturday, but it aint gonna work out so it's going to have to be postponed til after i come back from Mass.

i'm getting really, really excited for Mass, though. i seriously can't wait. its' going to be a lot of fun. so many people to hang out with. good times to come, i can feel it!

I FINISHED THE BULLYING PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

course, it took me all damn weekend to do it, and i still have to finish my outline/fill out my Works Cited, but i don't give a damn right now. i still have until Wednesday until i have to turn it in anyway. man, what a RELIEF that is. that's what i get for waiting til the last weekend! i can't believe next week is the last week and i'm done with my Psychology class. i was so anti social this semester. i didn't talk to anyone all term except for this nurse that sits next to me, but she's very shy and studious so whenever we do talk it's to ask each other for notes or something. ah well. people intimidate me. she looks like the kind of girl i'd know in high school who is too smart to hang out with someone like me. that sounds so bad, saying that.

James and i are in desperate need of a date or something. we've barely spent much time together lately, and i miss him a crap load. we watched The Sandlot the other night--he'd never seen it before--i've got a soft spot for it. i think he enjoyed it, too. we've been slacking on our TV show so we need to get back on the ball with that. next on the list is Synecdoche, New York, a James choice. i've never seen it before. but i have to watch Waking Ned Devine before i rent it, because it's still sitting on my DVD player and Netflix only allows me 3 at a time. i'll possibly watch it tomorrow night. maaybe. my parents also rented that Eastwood movie, Gran Torini. i've wanted to see that for awhile now, too. i would have watched it with them tonight but i HAD to finish this paper.

so i guess i'm going to work tomorrow. :( i was going to take it off, but since i finished my paper i don't really need to now. i probably wouldn't have anyway since Mom made me feel all guilty about it. she ALWAYS does that! hypocrite.

but i don't even care. i'm just glad it's done. so so glad. i tried to help Mom a bit with the scrapbook this afternoon but MAN, did i suck. i had to stop because i was getting so frustrated. Mom made me get lost. i've tried doing scrapbooking before and this always happens to me. i have zero talent in the scrapbooking department. not that i particularly care because i really prefer a regular photo album to a scrap book. they always look so cheesy. i think it would be more fun to make a zine. i can imagine if i were to make one, i'd not want to be so damn precise. precision is for amateurs!

gr... i have the hardest time understanding people my own age usually. it's a good thing i'm not a Psychology major. doesn't the thought of having to spend your weekdays hearing all of peoples fucked up problems and doomed lives sound like the worst punishment you could ever imagine? i assume that all people who want to be Psychologists must first have to figure their own shitty lives out, because how the hell can a person presume to help others if they themselves are fucked up? and i personally think no one is exempt from being fucked up in some form or another. that's just my personal opinion, obviously. i don't care if you come from a perfectly normal family where your mother was kind, loving, nurturing, you had plenty of creative outlets and always felt safe, there's going to be some traumatic incident from deep in your past that will hang over your head like a raincloud the rest of your life unless you go out and pay someone to dissolve it.

for some, i think shit like that isn't so hidden. i know where a lot of my own self-esteem issues come from, though i bet even i have some shitty things i've pressed down below any level of consciousness. it's depressing knowing that if someday i choose to be a mother, i can't really ever fully protect them from being fucked up. WOW.

i love it when i start writing in this thing with the notion of writing a daily routine update and then i go all haywire.

i'msotired. i'm always tired anymore. i think stress makes me feel tired... because i feel overwhelmed... and i tend to feel defeated before i ever actually do anything. it's the pits!

saw Drag Me To Hell for my birthday. it was AWESOME. i loved it. i also saw Up which might be my favorite of 09--so far, of course.

got lots of cute little presents from James for my birthday. my favorite is probably the Paul Frank watch. it has cupcakes on it! i love my boyfriend.

i have some pictures, but i haven't gotten around to uploading them yet. when i do i guess i'll post them here... aint got no energy to do that tonight, though. every time i think of getting stuff done i have to stop!

got a beautiful bouquet of purple tulips for my birthday. yay, flowers always make me happy. i want to grow my own flower garden and put vases of fresh flowers all over the house. that would be sweet.

i really love spending time with Peyton. kids are fun. he's fun, and i like playing with him and reading to him. i read him bits and peices from Where the Wild Things Are tonight. :)

hey look, it's the first day of June!

i wrote about 10 pages worth of crap in Psych class tonight, and my arm still feels like it's going to fall off. i probably don't need to write so much, but i use my notes heavily so i don't have to keep thumbing through tons of shit that won't be on the test when it comes time to study. he goes so fast, though. it's a bitch keeping up with it usually. plus i can't just write it all down, i have to understand it too, so i'll throw in little things of my own here and there to shed some perspective.

the word 'perspective' just reminded me of Ratatouille. random!

my parents bought a blu ray! woo HOOO! can't wait to test it out. we don't actually own any blu-rays yet though, but Bruce discovered that we can stream our Instant Play on Netflix through it! how god damn cool is that, James?! how bout that? how bout that shit?

Palindromes sucked. gonna watch another instant play tonight, maaaybe. i'm not tired.

hey look, it's the last day of May!

have decided to do my Psych paper on bullying. figure it'll be pretty interesting. man, i hope i can keep my GPA up. now that i've made the President's list--not the Dean's list which was my hope, i surpassed that shit--i want to keep it that way. Daytona State sent me a certificate award thing in the post, and cordially invited me to some dinner party where all the smart people sit around discussing the environment with a bunch of scientists! i'm not actually a science major, nor am i much of an environmentalist, nor do it want to sit around with a bunch of smart kids and try to pretend to be smart, so yeah... definitely not gonna RSVP.

i took a nap earlier which is why i'm still up. i NEVER take naps anymore, and i shouldn't have. but i tend to do that when i'm in a bad mood, especially when i've been crying. sleeping it off helped... somewhat. plus, i've slept horrible the last couple weeks. waking up a lot, staying up til nearly 2 on some nights, getting up at 7. not a good cycle!

i may go see Up tomorrow. or Drag Me to Hell. depends on my mood. obviously they are completely different. might be more in the mood for Drag Me to Hell... seeing Up will be depressing without him, i predict.

watched Sunset Boulevard. i loved it, and found it brilliant. quasi out of ten.

i can't believe May is nearly over! but you know what that means--it's almost my birthday again! but, UGH, 25, man. a quarter of a century. alright, i can deal with wrinkles, discovering hair in scary places, i can even deal with spider veins. BUT GREY HAIR. shudder. maybe i'll get really lucky and inherit the never-got-a-grey-hair-in-her-life-even-when-she-was-in-her-coffin from my paternal grandmother. here's to hoping.

went to St. Augustine today! it's the first time i've ever went alone, and it definitely felt different. but still, it beats sitting on my ass with Clementine on my lap. i bought a couple cute things--a nightlight for my room, some chocolate, a handmade bracelet for Eva, a sterling silver handmade bracelet for me, and a little miniature cat thing which opens on top to put things in for my desk at work. i also walked around the fort, something i've never done before since it isn't wheelchair accessible.




watched Imitation of Life last night. it's an older movie with Sandra Dee. i rented it off Netflix sort of by mistake. i had meant to put Harold and Maude on top of my queue and forgotten, and it was the next one on my list. Netflix predicted i would love it though, and i do love me some Sandra Dee so i watched it. but eh. it was waaay too dramatic for my taste. and that sounds weird, because i absolutely LOVE some older movies that happen to be really dramatic. [Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Suddenly Last Summer, Gone With the Wind, etc]. so maybe it wasn't the dramatics i didn't like, just the acting which was second-rate. yes sirree. but i found it interesting nonetheless. it obviously held my attention. butterscotch out of ten.

today sucks ass... sorry, i was going to write in this thing, but meh. i'm gonna go work on my story til i feel sleepy. goodnight.

all of this rain is starting to scare me. i just drove under very bad circumstances and was all worried my car was going to be lost in la-la land or something. at least now, it's starting to let up some, though. thankfully.

i have to leave for class in a moment and i'll find out what i got on test #1. EEPS! i'm all nerved up. i've also decided to do my Psych paper on bullying. i found out Mom did hers on bullying, too! wow, two peas in a pod or what! so she sent me hers and i read it [skimmed it last night].

ergh. my battery is dying. see you all on the flip side.

had my first Psych class last night. twas pretty interesting! i'm glad this is only a six week course. wish i could get them all over with like that. i'm sort of regretting now that i haven't registered for more summer courses. i think i could have handled a couple more online classes or something. ah well. at least i booked my Fall semester pretty well!

i watched The Reader a couple nights ago. it was superb! one of the best films of 08 for me, i think. it was harrowing and bittersweet. i can't stop thinking about it.

i also watched a dud recently: Sunshine. It isn't horrible, but i dunno, sci fi just aint my "thang". i denied this when James said it to me, but now that i think about it, i can't even think of one single sci fi film i really warmed up to. does Star Wars count? i do love Episode V. and yeah, i like some other sci fi. Alien, Sphere [loved Sphere!] Sunshine wasn't even all that bad until the dude with no skin showed up and started knifing people. that was pretty lame. i about had enough by then. and just the last few minutes was just... BORING and vomit inducing.

The Reader, though. see that!

just started reading 1984 by Orwell. can you believe i've never read it before? it pulled me in from nearly the first page, so bleached_decay from Movieforums would be happy to hear that. i need to finish it quicker than i've been reading lately so i can start reading the next Pendragon book by my birthday!

i have cramps. fuck it.

i got a 94 on my Math Exam, and straight A's for the semester! WOOO! i'm feelin' light as a feather for the time being. at least for a week. i get this week off, and then in starts my summer classes. at first i'll only be taking Psychology for Summer A, but it's condensed.

James and i watched Serenity tonight. eh. why does everyone think it's so grand? it's easily "meh" in my opinion. ah well, can't win 'em all. we did watch The Wrestler a few nights ago, which was brilliant and easily a 9 or 10.

i re-watched Anne of Avonlea for the first time in years. i love that movie so much.

at the moment, James and i are working through our depression of not seeing each other. we're doing our best to make things work. sometimes i miss him so much i can barely handle it.

i'm watching Little House on the Praire. what a cheese fest.

Kate Bush - This Womans Work is definitely in my top 5 favorite songs of all time. it's fucking perfect.

woo ee! i've been studying all night, and told myself i wasn't allowed to stop til i reached the halfway point... which i did... about 20 minutes ago. my back hurts now, as does my head. this week. needs. to be. OVER!

Mom and i need to go through old pictures to start organizing the photo album for Mim + Gramps 50th... oh, i know it's going to be a lot of work to squeeze in during my condensced summer semester but i know she'll love it. must get it done, must get it done!

to do:
+fill out financial aid paperwork/master promisarry
+start organizing pictures/buy an album/decor with Mom
+pick up my damn Wal-mart book shelf unless i want $100+ down the drain.
+straighten my room
+finish Maths studies by Wednesday night
+email Psychology teacher about schedule
+transfer all my music onto Clementine

FUN things to do:
+finish reading the Elephant Vanishes
+start a new book
+listen to my Little Earthquakes album
+get caught up on United States of Tara
+start working on latch-hook again

ergg... next week is finals, so i'll be back to my normal self then. tonight i had class [only one, English was canceled] which was lucky for me because Christiaaaaaan is in town and my family all met at Longhorn for dinner & drinks. i showed up afterwards for the lolz. i had ONE FREAKING DRINK and felt like i was felt light as a feather. weird, no? it is weird the way alcohol affects me... there have been times i could drink like a fish and barely feel a thing. i'll never understand it, so i'm going to chalk it all up to pyschology. yeppers!

i've spent a great deal of my free time getting caught up on shitloads of things, like school assignments, piles of shit at work, housecleaning, reading, films, and just plain me time. i feel behind. oh, spring, spring, i love you, why do you tease me this way?

i just discovered i arrive back from MA on the same day my American History class starts, and i leave on the same day my Pyschology class ends. oh i really planned this vaction perfectly, didn't i? guess i'll have to sort things out with the professors.

56 days til i'm in Massachusetts!!!!!!!!!!

The Female Artists LYRICS test! at HelloQuizzy

my first OKCupid quiz linked above. it's the complete result of boredom and sick-of-Maths. CHECK IT OUT!!!

yeah yeah, i'm a slacker. but there aint much worth talking about on my end. i spend all my free time doing school work these days; i spent most of this beautiful Saturday afternoon on the couch with my algebra. god, it sucks! there's no end in sight. i'm so scared about my final. if i fail, i'm going to want to die. is that dramatic? i know it is, but that's how i feel. i've been working so hard, and the idea of having to re-take this class is unbearable. :(

wow, was it only yesterday that i was at work? it seems so far away now...

James and i started watching 12 Angry Men tonight, but we were interuppted. so we'll finish it tomorrow, i guess... oh, and i still haven't picked up my damn bookshelf yet. Bruce has been busy, too. god.

only one more episode to go til i'm finished Season 3 of Buffy!!!!!

there's a chance i might be going back to England this summer. as long as it doesn't interfere with my classes too much, and James can help me scrounge up the money, there is a pretty good chance of it happening. keep your fingers crossed for me!

this morning i weighed myself for the first time in several weeks. i lost another two pounds, though i'm at a loss as to how, since i haven't been as strict on myself. still though, i do keep up a lot more restrictions, such as no sugar consumed in beverages, 100 calorie packs instead of less healthy junk foods, and yogurt or fruit every day.

i was at Barnes at Nobles earlier working on my paper with a change of scenary, but it was so busy and i had to sit in a high top chair that made my ass numb, so i only stayed long enough to finish my coffee.

the episode of South Park where Cartman goes to Somalia to be a pirate is pretty good.

phew! been working on my paper for the past three hours, and i'm about halfway there--but anyway, i only need the appearance of having a full researched paper for tomorrows quiz grade. not that it isn't, because it is! i've worked hard, i tried to be creative in the way that i articulated my thoughts and presented the facts. it's just not done yet. but this isn't the sort of thing you can finish on a whim, you know. what's hard for me to accept is working so hard and not getting an A. i mean, i got an A on my last research paper, but i've had it happen before where all i've gotten was a stinking B.

like on my Math test. he posted the grades this afternoon; mine was a B+. James insisted i should be happy with this grade, since Math isn't my strong subject, but when you study until you're blue in the face you want a grade that reflects that. i know in the end, as long as i pass no one is going to be any the wiser; but i'll know. i never got grades like that in high school, despite how hard i tried, i was usually a C or B student. so now i want that. and i'm older, more mature, and much more eloquent. so it's sort of expected. i set these boundaries for myself.

apart from scholarly stuff, what else is going on? oh--i've decided to buy old comic strips of Little Orphan Annie. i dunno if i'll actually LIKE it, but at this moment i'm sure as hell interested. i read about it on Wikipedia today when i should have been working. the comic ran for over two decades (mid 1920's to nearly 1950 or something...), but i'm more interested in the post Depression/WWII era. for it's time, it was considered a highly contraversial strip filled with loads of metaphorical policital messages. anyway, volume 1 (which covers 1924-1927) was on Amazon for 26.39, so i bought it tonight.

oh, my bookshelf from WAL-MART is here. but i couldn't pick it up yesterday because Bruce was off doing a side job, couldn't pick it up tonight because i had to work on my paper, and i have school tomorrow! WAHHHH! it will probably have to wait til the weekend.

it may not seem like it, but i'm in a decent mood today. i feel accomplished and tired, but it's early, and i'll get a early night in, so i'll be fresh for my full day tomorrow. NITE!!!!!

i read a bit in the elephant vanishes today which reminded me a lot of James:

around that time i had a girlfriend the same age, but a simple turn of events had taken her to live in a town way out of the way. out of the whole year we could get together maybe two weeks total. in that short time we'd have sex, go to the movies, wine and dine at some pretty fancy places, tell each other things nonstop, one thing after the next. and in the end we'd always cap it off with one hell of a fight, then make up, and have sex again. in other words, we'd be doing what most any couple does, only in a condensed version, like a short feature.

James and i watched Sideways last night. oh gosh do i love that movie. i also recently watched back-to-back episodes of Spaced, series 1. [this was on Saturday when James was busy and i was a little sad and tired. it was the perfect fix!]

i haven't written much because i haven't had the time. i've been battling a bad cold all week, today was the first day i felt somewhat human again, and maaaan is work busy. while i was on a sick day, my job was done by others who aren't in the Ashley groove, so i usually come back to a disorganized mess... which i dealt with today... hrrrm. in class tonight, i had a Math test, which i spent my sick day studying for. lemme tell ya, peering at math figures for six someodd hours whilst battling a sinus headache is no easy feat! in English, we reviewed for our final, and i managed to talk my teacher into giving me a better grade than initially given on a previous writing assignment. score!

plans for the weekend? work on my english paper, talk to James, and watch my Netflix. for the weekend i've got the final disc of season 3 Buffy, and 12 Angry Men. James + me + Mom movie party? also possibly visit with Mim and Gramps. they'll be going back to Massachusetts in mid-May!

you know you were born to teach when you read personal emails and talk outloud about all the run-on sentences and comma splices within.

watched two more episodes of Buffy, and they were so good, i wish i had the next disc available. only a few episodes left and its the finale of season 3. :o

also watched 3 episodes on United States of Tara. i'm not disappointed at all. stupid ninja video wouldn't let me watch more than 74 minutes worth, though, so i'm going to have to finish them off tomorrow or something. only 2 1/2 episodes left til i'm caught up!

James and i watched Let the Right One In, which was really pretty good. it's... kind of weird. i don't know what to say about it because it's still sinking in. i'll have to mull this one over. don't worry, that's a good thing. i'm going to read some stuff on it maybe tomorrow.

i'm still sick... it's worse today. i loaded up on meds and soft tissues. i don't care if it's a rough week, as long as that means it will be smooth sailing til the end of the summer!

it was a nice family day. holidays are much more fun when there is a kiddo in the family. after our traditional ham dinner, we hid about fifteen eggs in the front yard for Peyton. man, that kid has it MADE. when i was little, i usually had to share the egg hunt with my bossy older sister--or should i say she had to share it with me. she was the one with the longer legs and quicker mind, while i would run around on my short, chubby legs always two steps behind her. [and we have pictures to prove it!] still feels like that now sometimes.

anyway, Peyton had a ball with that, and in a way he had to share it too--Simon wanted in on the action, and there's no competing with a dog who can smell chocolate if it's on our property. we had to hold him back or tell him to back off plenty of times, though at one point he wanted to make sure he marked his territory on one of the eggs hidden in the tall grass, if you catch my drift. this didn't seem to bother Peyton at all, though. he snatched it up anyway and added it to his collection!

i fell asleep nice and early tonight, and i think i would have managed to sleep the night through if my throbbing jaw hadn't woken me up. the wisdom tooth is fighting a long, hard battle. it's really starting to cramp my style! i hope it lets up soon though. i don't know how much longer i can take it.

my sleepless slumber was also interrupted by a stuffy nose and itchy throat, and now i wonder if i'm getting sick. i can't tell if it's allergies or not. my throat feels better now, but my nose is really pretty sniffily. i hope i don't get sick.

James and i watched two more episodes of Buffy today. i haven't watched anything else all week, but i'm about to try to catch up on United States of Tara now. i guess since i'm up i might as well do something useful. [screw the math homework, i did a shitload of it yesterday and i don't have class til Tuesday!]

i need an estimate on what age you are when your wisdom teeth stop torturing you. i'm 24, yo, shouldn't i be past this by now? grr. my whole left jaw is achy!

so i've been in school nearly a year now and so far i've been mostly bored in all my classes. when i took English at CCSN in Vegas, it was so much better than the English class i'm taking now. first of all, college students actually acted like college students and knew how to write a proper fucking sentence. we had interesting in-class discussions/activities, and the teacher didn't hold everyone by the hand. i'm just disappointed is all. i'm hoping that once i get the Dunce Classes over with, it will stimulate ze mind more. and no, just because Math is really confusing and awkward for me does not mean my mind is stimulated. it just makes me wish i had the talent to implode on will.

i'm a verbal kind of girl, so for me, stimulation is reading and analyzing good literature, or even writing a paper on something i'm passionate about and getting a chance to finesse my paragraphs to make it as good as i possibly can. that's the kind of thing i enjoy. i want to take all the literature classes. there's about ten of them!

i just wanted to write this real quick, because i'm about to do Math homework and i have a sneaking suspicion that i'll be too busy ripping my hair out to write a blog entry later.

i was in a better mood today than i've been in all week. the stormy cloud over my head seems to have dissipated. so yay! plus today i found out about Ze Work-Related Probs. good news: no lay-offs. bad news? some major pay cuts, but thankfully, no one in my department is going to be feeling the brunt of that, barring the two big bosses. in some ways, it's better, because they are making the Big Whigs take the biggest pay cuts--which is how it should be. and one of the most overly-paid persons doing the least amount of work in the building is getting HUUUUGE cut in pay. i don't want to say i'm happy, but i feel this was the right thing to do. i'm just happy the right decisions were made and people didn't let their greed get in the way.

i really do have to give a lot of thanks to Jeff, who is probably a big reason that all of us still have a damn job.

eh... i've been slacking on the ironing all week... i know i should do it at NIGHT, but i always put it off til the morning and that's cutting it close. i don't like the dryer. have i ever said that? well, i don't.

i can't wait until this semester is over. i can almost taste the end. it tastes like ice cream. creamy, strawberry ice cream... mmm i could go for some right now. i've been trying to be good lately. i went grocery shopping and bought loads of fruit, yogurt, and other stuff. it's easier to eat the right things when i keep them available at my finger tips. i just hate grocery shopping.

blah. math time.

out of all my faults, there has always only been one thing about myself i desperately wished i could change. but unfortunately, what i want to change about myself can't be fixed by a plastic surgeon or lypo suction clinic. nope. what i want that i can't have is the gift of gab.

and it is a gift. those who are naturals at this sort of thing don't understand that, they think it's all about being more relaxed, not being so uptight, stop worrying so much, just do a few breathing exercises and you'll be fine. then they accuse you of not trying hard enough. [and for all you chatter-boxes, that's really insulting, so stop saying it!]

though, it is true; i don't try hard enough. i've sort of become accustomed to defeat as i've gotten older--as a defense mechanism. this is due to childhood experiences. when i did try, i was often beaten down or rejected. i think that's because my efforts always seemed very forced or strange, and it put people off. so rather than feeling abandonment again, it's less painful for me to say i'm left out because i didn't put in the effort that was needed in order to make it work.

it's because i have always been shy/awkward/aloof that i am here. don't get me wrong, i don't want to change directions in my lifestyle or anything, but i'm just trying to point out that this one small quality is such a big factor in everyones life. it has the ability to take you down road b rather than road a. i believe i have the ability to see this clearer than a person who didn't struggle with this kind of thing as a child, because i know what i'm missing out on.

i've never been able to speak to people comfortably. i come off indifferent, cold, and worst of all, boring. therefore, people draw away from me, deem me not worth getting to know, and give up on me. so what actually ends up happening is in order for me to make a friend, i have to put a helluva lot more time and effort in communicating and making the first move than most people--and this is the very thing that i'm no good at. how unfair is that?

ironically, because i'm unable to talk to people, my not talking in turn speaks VOLUMES to people. i'm sending vibes with my silence. this is a pattern that continuously repeats itself over and over, no matter what situation i'm in, who i'm around. the only people who usually give me a chance are people who are forced to be around me for extended hours over time, like at work. the people there don't feel this way about me. at least not the people closest to me.

i have to admit, i am so envious of people that are "bubbly". i want to be looked upon the same way those people are. but at least i am able to look past a shy facade and know that the person inside that awkward stance isn't necessarily an ice queen. i know that it isn't always those who draw attention to themselves that are the only people worth getting to know. i know that, and can use it to befriend others like me. maybe i could help them feel more accepted?

i'm starting to get pretty excited about my Massachusetts trip in July. it's going to be so awesome. hopefully much better than last time, which was a little anti climatic. anyway, i won't let it be anything less. so there. PLUS it's going to be the first time we're all together again since i was a teenager. i'm really happy. i wish i could stay longer, but you do what you gotta do!

i bought a bookshelf from walmart.com which is going to be shipped to the store. it's oak, five shelves, and looks a lot more expensive than it actually was (at least in the picture) but it has decent reviews. i hope it's alright. i need something better than the shit that's presently in my room. i'm overflowing with papers!

so. my last entry wasn't exactly your run-of-the-mill Ashley entry. i don't usually talk about political/economical issues... well, anywhere. but that doesn't mean i don't care about the economy, or my country, or my people. it's just hard. it's hard to talk about the depression. i hear about it everywhere. every time i turn on the news they are talking about it. every time i tune in to co-workers chit chat, they are talking about it. every time i talk to Mom about practically anything she somehow finds a way to throw it in. the truth is it really scares me, and it depresses me so much, that my way of dealing with it has been to try to surround myself with the things and the people who make me happiest and try not to think about it. if i lose my job, then i lose my job. what good is worrying gonna do?

but i think i came to my breaking point this week, and i had to spill my feelings out somewhere. that's what this damn blog is for, right?

and NOW i'm going to do a real update! let's see. the highlight of my week was April Fool's day. Mom and i got several people at the office pretty good. Mom brought in the newspaper from April first of last year, and she put it on the counter where Alice always put's the Orlando Sentinel. so several people thumbed through it all day thinking it was the daily paper. it was great! i hope they didn't go sell or buy stocks afterwards. ooops!

i also bought some really juvenile, REALLY fun gifts at Spencer's involving a fart machine with a remote control! good times!

i signed up for my summer classes. i'm packing a lot on, more than i have since i started school. i'm still trying to decide if that was a smart move or not, seeing as the summer semester is so small. for summer A i'm taking General Psychology [i looked the teach up on ratemyprofessor.com and he got rave reviews, so i'm looking forward to it]. and for Summer B i'm taking some American History bullshit class. it was really the only Summer B course i could find available that i need, so... yeah! i'm also taking English II online. dude, my English II teacher's surname is PINKSTON-MCDUFFIE. no joke! James and i had fun with that one.

i haven't watched/read anything all that interesting over the past week. though i did watch a couple Buffy episodes. the Buffster! Faith is a bitch! but yeah, i've been too busy doing research for my paper. i went to the library on Wednesday night and a woman who reminded me of Susan Sarandon helped me locate stuff and shit. so it's good. i hope i get an A!

i actually had a dream the other night involving this really fat guy that was a demon in one of the Buffy episodes i watched recently. only the fat demon dude was actually James, post-bitten by a spider. weird much?

wow, two entries in one day, both super long to boot!

why haven't i been writing? well, i'll tell ya why. this week has probably been the very worst one i've exerpienced in 2009. and no, nothing horrible has happened! but a lot of shit has been going on, though i don't know if i have the energy to speak of it all, so i'll summarize a few things.

my main concern lies with work-related stuff. i know they are discussing the possibility of lay-offs, or at least pay cuts. either wouldn't be good, but i don't want to lose my job. i've thought it over a lot the past few days, and decided if i did lose my job (gulp), i'd collect unemployment for a year and really knuckle down in school, maybe take four or five classes each semester, including summer. OOH that reminds me, i need to sign up for the summer classes... just signed up for the 09-10 FAFSA program, so hopefully that will go through alright.

i'm so sick of the economy. it's just so depressing. it's been depressing and it feels like it keeps getting worse and worse. how much worse is it going to get? what kills me is the company i work for. though they haven't been able to make pay roll, it isn't fair to lay off people like me. the people at the top will refuse to take pay-cuts, and those are the bastards that SHOULD take the brunt of the drain off pay roll before they start laying off middle-class nobodies such as myself. but they won't. there are a couple lawyers who work in my office, and i have it in good authority that one makes over half a mil a year. and he's eighty fucking seven years old, yet the fucker refuses to retire. greedy fucking bastard. his wife doesn't work, and her health isn't so good. if i were him i'd be spending my last few years with my wife rather than staying at a job, watching people who have the possibilty of losing their homes get laid off while i stick around.

it's just so sickening. this is a real wake up call for me. i'm beginning to realize how corporate america really is. all of us peons should be revolting against this shit. we should be standing up and marching in Washington, screaming "I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!"

but we won't.

i swear to god, my face is lopsided or something. i'm not joking. every pair of sunglasses i wear doesn't... fit on my face right. i mean, they stay on and all, but they always feel like their leaning to one side. resting on one cheek more than the other. it's the weirdest thing. also kind of annoying. i hope it isn't as noticeable to other people as it feels to me, cause that would look really stupid.

i had class tonight, and i didn't feel like doing shit. i sat in English class and was practically catatonic. at one point, my teacher called out my name and asked me a question because he knew i wasn't paying attention. which annoyed me because this isn't high school, and if i want to pay to sit in class and zone out then it's my right.

not that i want to make a habit of that. i just didn't feel good tonight! my stomach was all weirded out.

i need to go to bed now. so so tired.

i got an 87% on my mid-term, which i can live with. would have done better if he had went over more things in the class, but ah well. i'm such a grade-pusher now; i actually had a dream a few nights ago that i resubmitted my essay, and to my horror i discovered he gave me an even LOWER grade than i had previously gotten--an 82%!!!! oh no's! i feel like Willow from Buffy.

today was okay... the work day zoomed by and i feel like i spent the majority of it in my own little world... had stuff on my mind i guess. plus i was tired. i went to Noah's during lunch, had a wrap and some sweet tea. i lurve their sweet tea. and i did some of the tutorial on RCT3 tonight. lookin' good so far!

now i must go. i still have to study for my test tomorrow... and eat some dinner. i'm thinking some egg noodles?

this will be quick because i'm in the middle of working on my outline/gathering references... and then when that's all done, i have to read a short story in my book and take my mid-term using Lockdown Browser!

James and i watched the Princess Bride last night... he liked it better this time. : ) i just knew he would. who couldn't love that film? i forgot how fond of it i was actually.

we also watched some Buffy, but only a couple episodes. i'm so behind on that show. i'm also REALLY behind on United States of Tara. i told myself once i got my lap top i'd get caught up on that... and i haven't yet, but i WILL, i promise!

i also downloaded Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 today, so he and i could play in each others parks. fun, fun. what an interesting life i lead!!

uh oh, Mom's singing the karaoke... time to break out the ole headphones.

sometimes, at work, when i'm bored/need a break (usually the latter), i sign onto Project Gutenburg and read. lately i've been wrapped up in Hellen Keller's Autobiography: the Story of my Life (and her letters). it spurred me on to sign up for their proofreading team, who proofreads the articles/books before being uploaded. i thought it would be a good, productive past-time AND something i enjoy doing AND something useful for my education.

i've also decided to do my final research paper on "Violence in the Media: Is it the cause for Societal Violence?" it was the best choice out of all the other topics given, and i think most people in the class are doing the Gay and Lesbian one. James said he'd help me! he's full of all these interesting facts like a Manhunt Lawsuit and Stanley Kubricks refusal to release A Clockwork Orange due to a rape.

i want some grapes.

gr... i kept trying to post an entry earlier, but blogspot was being a bully.

i FINALLY got my new laptop! oh it's so so so pretty. it's all orange and shit, so i named it Clementine! pictures soon, i promise.

today i had a headache which didn't hinder me or anything, but it was one of those that is always just right behind your eyes and temples, thudding softly like a lone drum. by 5, i was done. only i wasn't done, because then i had the pleasure of going to a two hour 1033 class and listen to my teachless teacher drone on about solving and factoring rational equations with complex fractions... yeaaaah...

i skipped out about 20 minutes early, went down to the lab, did my shit, and took off like a bat from hell. came home, turned this shit on, and now i'm currently taking comfort in South Park. i've been watching it more lately. some of the episodes really aren't up to par, though some make me chuckle quite a lot.

i'm in the process of transferring all of my music/files from my OLD computer to my new one... which is always fun. TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that doesn't make sense since it's still Thursday, but you get it!

have i ever mentioned my hatred for driving? seriously. i've only ever driven in Florida, so i don't know if it's just because there are so many snow birds, but why was everyone and their cousin driving 25mph on Nova Road this morning? it's not like i'm in any kind of rush to get to work either, but at least they have bathrooms and the internet there!

James and i watched Stardust last night - eh. didn't hate it, didn't love it. oh i guess it was fun enough. some parts were really good, others i could have done without. this was a film recommended by Christina, so i went into it with an open mind. oh well, can't win them all!

had a grilled chicken wrap from Noah's for lunch today... trying to get back on my diet. i guess i should probably stop cramming food into my maw, then.

i semi-straightened up my room! there are nice little piles of laundry in there now, but it's better that they are least separated rather than strewn all over there in a disorganized mess, right?

twas a boring weekend indeed. first and foremost, i didn't make much of a dent on the to-do lists, though i did read a whole lot. i finished one book and am nearly halfway through 2 others! wooo-HOOO!

i read After the Quake--one of Murakami's book of short stories--and it was pretty good. not my favorite, but good. specifically the last story (Honey Pie) which i absolutely loved. i can very much relate to that "empty" feeling from reading one of his stories, though. one would think that would discourage me from wanting to read his stuff, but it doesn't. it's hard to describe.

currently, i'm wrapped up in two other books. The Elephant Vanishes (his other book o' shorts), and Diary of a Wimpy Kid, which is surprisingly entertaining so far.

yesterday was really boring: i went to Barnes and Noble's to read in their comfy chairs (i NEED to buy one of those when i get my own place) but they were really busy and all the chairs, barring the hard wooden ones, were taken! i stayed about an hour, then caved in and bought the books so i could read them in the comfort of my own bed.

i also went to Target to peruse the furniture aisle, but all i ended up buying was a bag of Hershey's egg chocolates. i'm craving chocolate something fierce recently--especially warm chocolate. like a freshly baked brownie drizzled with caramel and topped with some vanilla ice cream... mmmm...

ps: i'm currently strongly disliking this place right now.

my new “thing” recently has been organizing everything to death. i wonder if my sudden gusto for this is because i’m sick of everything in my life being the same and BOOORING. which would be ironic, wouldn’t it?

first of all, i’m sick of my bedroom. in fact i hate it a lot. i hate the colors, i hate the furniture, i hate how shitty the lighting is, i hate i hate i hate. unfortunately, there isn’t very much i can do with it—like i can’t change the color of the walls and that fucking celestial theme—but i can add a lot of Ashley touches, so that at least my mood won’t always plummet when i spend time in there. being a homebody, i think this is important for my overall well-being, don’t you? i think it’s important that i really claim it as mine. so when i walk in it, i can look around and say “this is Ashley’s room.”

i’ve been living here going on four years and i’m just now concerning myself with this. LE SIGH.

this weekend will be productive--as long as i can get off my ass and actually do shit. i need to focus! i'm pretty organized. i made five to-do lists today, each categorized as follows: websites, films, books, things to buy, and a general to do list.

Mom was telling me about something she was watching on the Discovery Channel last night. in the 1970’s these people raised a lion cub as a domesticated animal (this was before all the crazy laws that stopped allowing that!) i think they lived in London! they kept him until he was about a year old, and treated him like a normal pet when he was still a cub - taking him for rides in the car and stuff like that. sounds pretty cute. well, when he got to be about a year old, they realized he was far too big and wild, plus it was much too costly for them to keep caring for him, so they decided to let him go in a jungle somewhere in Africa. naturally it was very hard, and sad, but they knew it was for the best.

about a year after they released him, they decided to go back to the spot where they let him go and see if he’d still be there and stuff. so they went back and called his name. not only did he show up but he was REALLY happy to see them. the way Mom was describing it to me reminded me of Simon when we come home after work—all jumping around excited, licking them, bumping his head against them, and even putting his big paws on their shoulders as a way of “hugging” (oww!). it sounds so amazing, and really sweet. you would think that after a year it would be different, he’d be all wild again and his instincts would keep him away from them, but not so.

it reminded me of this bit in Out of Africa i read. Karen adopts a young bush buck antelope named Lulu, and when Lulu gets to be about a year old or so (fully grown), she leaves on her own accord. well, once she leaves, it's like a turning point. she never comes back to the household like it is her own anymore, nor does she allow anyone to come near her. but she does come and stand at the edge of the forest/beginning of the yard morning after morning, and stares at the house. just stands there and stares. Karen would stand there and look back at her. if she tried to approach her Lulu would run off, so they would each just stand there at a respectable distance looking at one another. eventually, Lulu starts bringing her little fawns along for the visits, and the fawns come up to Karen and let her pet them. i think this went on for several generations, even after Lulu dies. her fawns still would come to Karen’s house, and bring their young, and etc. it was really, really neat. nature is so awesome. everyone reading this should go out and get a copy of Out of Africa. an amazing book indeed!!

anyway, i think the documentary Mom was watching is based on a book, so i added it to my “TO READ” list.: )

today was long, and i'm beat so this will be quick-like. i had a loooong day at work. LOOONG. why so long you might ask? partly due to getting a shitty nights sleep, but also knowing i wasn't fully prepared for my 1033 mid-term! i think i did okay, though... i hope. if not, well, he's dropping our lowest test score, so that means i have to get A's from here on in!

more than that, though. it's been so busy at the office, and people drive me crazy!

i had class tonight, and i kind of zoned out in English. now i can't even remember what went on there tonight. oh yeah, every one was debating and i couldn't be bothered to chime in. i like open discussions in class, it beats a droning teacher, but sometimes i'm just not in the mood, you know? i stayed though, to do peer review and fill out my evaluation form.

i didn't come home straight away, either. i stopped at Barnes & Noble for some me-time. i got a balsamic chicken sandwhich and coffee and started reading After the Quake. i got about halfway. it's pretty good so far, really.

i got home about 30 minutes ago, and now i plan on writing Christina back and heading off to bed. there aren't enough hours in the day.

OH. i'm wearing my green cardigan today! woo! i look damn cute. DAMN cute.

i just caught a glimpse of my cleavage in my car door, and i couldn't help but think... damn girl, nice rack.

happy post day!! i got some of the things i ordered from cutxpaste, as follows:


the "spring six owl print" by Matt Cipov! the owl really lives up to that scholarly image, doesn't it? doesn't it?! it does. and he looks peaceful. which is why he is going on the wall beside my Airside calendar.

some really cool picture(s). they threw this in with my order. i think it's pretty nifty, so i'll find a special place for it in my room... somewhere. i like the phrase "well enough"

last but not least, my cat-a-rama embroidery patterns by "sublime stitchings"! i'm pretty excited about these. they could make an excellent christmas present for someone, or i may be selfish and keep them for myself. that's the beauty of these things.

i discovered this website this afternoon (i was on truthorficion.com again--it's pretty much the only entertainting web site i can view from work), about easter eggs. and no, not the little round ones that come in pastel colours. easter eggs as in... well, i'll just paste urban dictionaries definition;

Easter Eggs are hidden links or files coded into software or websites. In the end, they are useless gags that programmers include for fun.

anyway, i'm probably the only one who wasn't aware that there is a website (www.eeggs.com) dedicated to finding all these "easter eggs"... WHY IS THAT? why am i always the last to know?! anyway, i couldn't view THAT website while at work, so i checked it out when i got home and it kept me occupied for some time. for too much time, i'm afraid. now it's nearly midnight and i'm only half way done with mid-term preparation. damn you. on that note, i should finish off my studies and head to bed. goodnight!