ergg... next week is finals, so i'll be back to my normal self then. tonight i had class [only one, English was canceled] which was lucky for me because Christiaaaaaan is in town and my family all met at Longhorn for dinner & drinks. i showed up afterwards for the lolz. i had ONE FREAKING DRINK and felt like i was felt light as a feather. weird, no? it is weird the way alcohol affects me... there have been times i could drink like a fish and barely feel a thing. i'll never understand it, so i'm going to chalk it all up to pyschology. yeppers!

i've spent a great deal of my free time getting caught up on shitloads of things, like school assignments, piles of shit at work, housecleaning, reading, films, and just plain me time. i feel behind. oh, spring, spring, i love you, why do you tease me this way?

i just discovered i arrive back from MA on the same day my American History class starts, and i leave on the same day my Pyschology class ends. oh i really planned this vaction perfectly, didn't i? guess i'll have to sort things out with the professors.

56 days til i'm in Massachusetts!!!!!!!!!!

The Female Artists LYRICS test! at HelloQuizzy

my first OKCupid quiz linked above. it's the complete result of boredom and sick-of-Maths. CHECK IT OUT!!!

yeah yeah, i'm a slacker. but there aint much worth talking about on my end. i spend all my free time doing school work these days; i spent most of this beautiful Saturday afternoon on the couch with my algebra. god, it sucks! there's no end in sight. i'm so scared about my final. if i fail, i'm going to want to die. is that dramatic? i know it is, but that's how i feel. i've been working so hard, and the idea of having to re-take this class is unbearable. :(

wow, was it only yesterday that i was at work? it seems so far away now...

James and i started watching 12 Angry Men tonight, but we were interuppted. so we'll finish it tomorrow, i guess... oh, and i still haven't picked up my damn bookshelf yet. Bruce has been busy, too. god.

only one more episode to go til i'm finished Season 3 of Buffy!!!!!

there's a chance i might be going back to England this summer. as long as it doesn't interfere with my classes too much, and James can help me scrounge up the money, there is a pretty good chance of it happening. keep your fingers crossed for me!

this morning i weighed myself for the first time in several weeks. i lost another two pounds, though i'm at a loss as to how, since i haven't been as strict on myself. still though, i do keep up a lot more restrictions, such as no sugar consumed in beverages, 100 calorie packs instead of less healthy junk foods, and yogurt or fruit every day.

i was at Barnes at Nobles earlier working on my paper with a change of scenary, but it was so busy and i had to sit in a high top chair that made my ass numb, so i only stayed long enough to finish my coffee.

the episode of South Park where Cartman goes to Somalia to be a pirate is pretty good.

phew! been working on my paper for the past three hours, and i'm about halfway there--but anyway, i only need the appearance of having a full researched paper for tomorrows quiz grade. not that it isn't, because it is! i've worked hard, i tried to be creative in the way that i articulated my thoughts and presented the facts. it's just not done yet. but this isn't the sort of thing you can finish on a whim, you know. what's hard for me to accept is working so hard and not getting an A. i mean, i got an A on my last research paper, but i've had it happen before where all i've gotten was a stinking B.

like on my Math test. he posted the grades this afternoon; mine was a B+. James insisted i should be happy with this grade, since Math isn't my strong subject, but when you study until you're blue in the face you want a grade that reflects that. i know in the end, as long as i pass no one is going to be any the wiser; but i'll know. i never got grades like that in high school, despite how hard i tried, i was usually a C or B student. so now i want that. and i'm older, more mature, and much more eloquent. so it's sort of expected. i set these boundaries for myself.

apart from scholarly stuff, what else is going on? oh--i've decided to buy old comic strips of Little Orphan Annie. i dunno if i'll actually LIKE it, but at this moment i'm sure as hell interested. i read about it on Wikipedia today when i should have been working. the comic ran for over two decades (mid 1920's to nearly 1950 or something...), but i'm more interested in the post Depression/WWII era. for it's time, it was considered a highly contraversial strip filled with loads of metaphorical policital messages. anyway, volume 1 (which covers 1924-1927) was on Amazon for 26.39, so i bought it tonight.

oh, my bookshelf from WAL-MART is here. but i couldn't pick it up yesterday because Bruce was off doing a side job, couldn't pick it up tonight because i had to work on my paper, and i have school tomorrow! WAHHHH! it will probably have to wait til the weekend.

it may not seem like it, but i'm in a decent mood today. i feel accomplished and tired, but it's early, and i'll get a early night in, so i'll be fresh for my full day tomorrow. NITE!!!!!

i read a bit in the elephant vanishes today which reminded me a lot of James:

around that time i had a girlfriend the same age, but a simple turn of events had taken her to live in a town way out of the way. out of the whole year we could get together maybe two weeks total. in that short time we'd have sex, go to the movies, wine and dine at some pretty fancy places, tell each other things nonstop, one thing after the next. and in the end we'd always cap it off with one hell of a fight, then make up, and have sex again. in other words, we'd be doing what most any couple does, only in a condensed version, like a short feature.

James and i watched Sideways last night. oh gosh do i love that movie. i also recently watched back-to-back episodes of Spaced, series 1. [this was on Saturday when James was busy and i was a little sad and tired. it was the perfect fix!]

i haven't written much because i haven't had the time. i've been battling a bad cold all week, today was the first day i felt somewhat human again, and maaaan is work busy. while i was on a sick day, my job was done by others who aren't in the Ashley groove, so i usually come back to a disorganized mess... which i dealt with today... hrrrm. in class tonight, i had a Math test, which i spent my sick day studying for. lemme tell ya, peering at math figures for six someodd hours whilst battling a sinus headache is no easy feat! in English, we reviewed for our final, and i managed to talk my teacher into giving me a better grade than initially given on a previous writing assignment. score!

plans for the weekend? work on my english paper, talk to James, and watch my Netflix. for the weekend i've got the final disc of season 3 Buffy, and 12 Angry Men. James + me + Mom movie party? also possibly visit with Mim and Gramps. they'll be going back to Massachusetts in mid-May!

you know you were born to teach when you read personal emails and talk outloud about all the run-on sentences and comma splices within.

watched two more episodes of Buffy, and they were so good, i wish i had the next disc available. only a few episodes left and its the finale of season 3. :o

also watched 3 episodes on United States of Tara. i'm not disappointed at all. stupid ninja video wouldn't let me watch more than 74 minutes worth, though, so i'm going to have to finish them off tomorrow or something. only 2 1/2 episodes left til i'm caught up!

James and i watched Let the Right One In, which was really pretty good. it's... kind of weird. i don't know what to say about it because it's still sinking in. i'll have to mull this one over. don't worry, that's a good thing. i'm going to read some stuff on it maybe tomorrow.

i'm still sick... it's worse today. i loaded up on meds and soft tissues. i don't care if it's a rough week, as long as that means it will be smooth sailing til the end of the summer!

it was a nice family day. holidays are much more fun when there is a kiddo in the family. after our traditional ham dinner, we hid about fifteen eggs in the front yard for Peyton. man, that kid has it MADE. when i was little, i usually had to share the egg hunt with my bossy older sister--or should i say she had to share it with me. she was the one with the longer legs and quicker mind, while i would run around on my short, chubby legs always two steps behind her. [and we have pictures to prove it!] still feels like that now sometimes.

anyway, Peyton had a ball with that, and in a way he had to share it too--Simon wanted in on the action, and there's no competing with a dog who can smell chocolate if it's on our property. we had to hold him back or tell him to back off plenty of times, though at one point he wanted to make sure he marked his territory on one of the eggs hidden in the tall grass, if you catch my drift. this didn't seem to bother Peyton at all, though. he snatched it up anyway and added it to his collection!

i fell asleep nice and early tonight, and i think i would have managed to sleep the night through if my throbbing jaw hadn't woken me up. the wisdom tooth is fighting a long, hard battle. it's really starting to cramp my style! i hope it lets up soon though. i don't know how much longer i can take it.

my sleepless slumber was also interrupted by a stuffy nose and itchy throat, and now i wonder if i'm getting sick. i can't tell if it's allergies or not. my throat feels better now, but my nose is really pretty sniffily. i hope i don't get sick.

James and i watched two more episodes of Buffy today. i haven't watched anything else all week, but i'm about to try to catch up on United States of Tara now. i guess since i'm up i might as well do something useful. [screw the math homework, i did a shitload of it yesterday and i don't have class til Tuesday!]

i need an estimate on what age you are when your wisdom teeth stop torturing you. i'm 24, yo, shouldn't i be past this by now? grr. my whole left jaw is achy!

so i've been in school nearly a year now and so far i've been mostly bored in all my classes. when i took English at CCSN in Vegas, it was so much better than the English class i'm taking now. first of all, college students actually acted like college students and knew how to write a proper fucking sentence. we had interesting in-class discussions/activities, and the teacher didn't hold everyone by the hand. i'm just disappointed is all. i'm hoping that once i get the Dunce Classes over with, it will stimulate ze mind more. and no, just because Math is really confusing and awkward for me does not mean my mind is stimulated. it just makes me wish i had the talent to implode on will.

i'm a verbal kind of girl, so for me, stimulation is reading and analyzing good literature, or even writing a paper on something i'm passionate about and getting a chance to finesse my paragraphs to make it as good as i possibly can. that's the kind of thing i enjoy. i want to take all the literature classes. there's about ten of them!

i just wanted to write this real quick, because i'm about to do Math homework and i have a sneaking suspicion that i'll be too busy ripping my hair out to write a blog entry later.

i was in a better mood today than i've been in all week. the stormy cloud over my head seems to have dissipated. so yay! plus today i found out about Ze Work-Related Probs. good news: no lay-offs. bad news? some major pay cuts, but thankfully, no one in my department is going to be feeling the brunt of that, barring the two big bosses. in some ways, it's better, because they are making the Big Whigs take the biggest pay cuts--which is how it should be. and one of the most overly-paid persons doing the least amount of work in the building is getting HUUUUGE cut in pay. i don't want to say i'm happy, but i feel this was the right thing to do. i'm just happy the right decisions were made and people didn't let their greed get in the way.

i really do have to give a lot of thanks to Jeff, who is probably a big reason that all of us still have a damn job.

eh... i've been slacking on the ironing all week... i know i should do it at NIGHT, but i always put it off til the morning and that's cutting it close. i don't like the dryer. have i ever said that? well, i don't.

i can't wait until this semester is over. i can almost taste the end. it tastes like ice cream. creamy, strawberry ice cream... mmm i could go for some right now. i've been trying to be good lately. i went grocery shopping and bought loads of fruit, yogurt, and other stuff. it's easier to eat the right things when i keep them available at my finger tips. i just hate grocery shopping.

blah. math time.

out of all my faults, there has always only been one thing about myself i desperately wished i could change. but unfortunately, what i want to change about myself can't be fixed by a plastic surgeon or lypo suction clinic. nope. what i want that i can't have is the gift of gab.

and it is a gift. those who are naturals at this sort of thing don't understand that, they think it's all about being more relaxed, not being so uptight, stop worrying so much, just do a few breathing exercises and you'll be fine. then they accuse you of not trying hard enough. [and for all you chatter-boxes, that's really insulting, so stop saying it!]

though, it is true; i don't try hard enough. i've sort of become accustomed to defeat as i've gotten older--as a defense mechanism. this is due to childhood experiences. when i did try, i was often beaten down or rejected. i think that's because my efforts always seemed very forced or strange, and it put people off. so rather than feeling abandonment again, it's less painful for me to say i'm left out because i didn't put in the effort that was needed in order to make it work.

it's because i have always been shy/awkward/aloof that i am here. don't get me wrong, i don't want to change directions in my lifestyle or anything, but i'm just trying to point out that this one small quality is such a big factor in everyones life. it has the ability to take you down road b rather than road a. i believe i have the ability to see this clearer than a person who didn't struggle with this kind of thing as a child, because i know what i'm missing out on.

i've never been able to speak to people comfortably. i come off indifferent, cold, and worst of all, boring. therefore, people draw away from me, deem me not worth getting to know, and give up on me. so what actually ends up happening is in order for me to make a friend, i have to put a helluva lot more time and effort in communicating and making the first move than most people--and this is the very thing that i'm no good at. how unfair is that?

ironically, because i'm unable to talk to people, my not talking in turn speaks VOLUMES to people. i'm sending vibes with my silence. this is a pattern that continuously repeats itself over and over, no matter what situation i'm in, who i'm around. the only people who usually give me a chance are people who are forced to be around me for extended hours over time, like at work. the people there don't feel this way about me. at least not the people closest to me.

i have to admit, i am so envious of people that are "bubbly". i want to be looked upon the same way those people are. but at least i am able to look past a shy facade and know that the person inside that awkward stance isn't necessarily an ice queen. i know that it isn't always those who draw attention to themselves that are the only people worth getting to know. i know that, and can use it to befriend others like me. maybe i could help them feel more accepted?

i'm starting to get pretty excited about my Massachusetts trip in July. it's going to be so awesome. hopefully much better than last time, which was a little anti climatic. anyway, i won't let it be anything less. so there. PLUS it's going to be the first time we're all together again since i was a teenager. i'm really happy. i wish i could stay longer, but you do what you gotta do!

i bought a bookshelf from walmart.com which is going to be shipped to the store. it's oak, five shelves, and looks a lot more expensive than it actually was (at least in the picture) but it has decent reviews. i hope it's alright. i need something better than the shit that's presently in my room. i'm overflowing with papers!

so. my last entry wasn't exactly your run-of-the-mill Ashley entry. i don't usually talk about political/economical issues... well, anywhere. but that doesn't mean i don't care about the economy, or my country, or my people. it's just hard. it's hard to talk about the depression. i hear about it everywhere. every time i turn on the news they are talking about it. every time i tune in to co-workers chit chat, they are talking about it. every time i talk to Mom about practically anything she somehow finds a way to throw it in. the truth is it really scares me, and it depresses me so much, that my way of dealing with it has been to try to surround myself with the things and the people who make me happiest and try not to think about it. if i lose my job, then i lose my job. what good is worrying gonna do?

but i think i came to my breaking point this week, and i had to spill my feelings out somewhere. that's what this damn blog is for, right?

and NOW i'm going to do a real update! let's see. the highlight of my week was April Fool's day. Mom and i got several people at the office pretty good. Mom brought in the newspaper from April first of last year, and she put it on the counter where Alice always put's the Orlando Sentinel. so several people thumbed through it all day thinking it was the daily paper. it was great! i hope they didn't go sell or buy stocks afterwards. ooops!

i also bought some really juvenile, REALLY fun gifts at Spencer's involving a fart machine with a remote control! good times!

i signed up for my summer classes. i'm packing a lot on, more than i have since i started school. i'm still trying to decide if that was a smart move or not, seeing as the summer semester is so small. for summer A i'm taking General Psychology [i looked the teach up on ratemyprofessor.com and he got rave reviews, so i'm looking forward to it]. and for Summer B i'm taking some American History bullshit class. it was really the only Summer B course i could find available that i need, so... yeah! i'm also taking English II online. dude, my English II teacher's surname is PINKSTON-MCDUFFIE. no joke! James and i had fun with that one.

i haven't watched/read anything all that interesting over the past week. though i did watch a couple Buffy episodes. the Buffster! Faith is a bitch! but yeah, i've been too busy doing research for my paper. i went to the library on Wednesday night and a woman who reminded me of Susan Sarandon helped me locate stuff and shit. so it's good. i hope i get an A!

i actually had a dream the other night involving this really fat guy that was a demon in one of the Buffy episodes i watched recently. only the fat demon dude was actually James, post-bitten by a spider. weird much?

wow, two entries in one day, both super long to boot!

why haven't i been writing? well, i'll tell ya why. this week has probably been the very worst one i've exerpienced in 2009. and no, nothing horrible has happened! but a lot of shit has been going on, though i don't know if i have the energy to speak of it all, so i'll summarize a few things.

my main concern lies with work-related stuff. i know they are discussing the possibility of lay-offs, or at least pay cuts. either wouldn't be good, but i don't want to lose my job. i've thought it over a lot the past few days, and decided if i did lose my job (gulp), i'd collect unemployment for a year and really knuckle down in school, maybe take four or five classes each semester, including summer. OOH that reminds me, i need to sign up for the summer classes... just signed up for the 09-10 FAFSA program, so hopefully that will go through alright.

i'm so sick of the economy. it's just so depressing. it's been depressing and it feels like it keeps getting worse and worse. how much worse is it going to get? what kills me is the company i work for. though they haven't been able to make pay roll, it isn't fair to lay off people like me. the people at the top will refuse to take pay-cuts, and those are the bastards that SHOULD take the brunt of the drain off pay roll before they start laying off middle-class nobodies such as myself. but they won't. there are a couple lawyers who work in my office, and i have it in good authority that one makes over half a mil a year. and he's eighty fucking seven years old, yet the fucker refuses to retire. greedy fucking bastard. his wife doesn't work, and her health isn't so good. if i were him i'd be spending my last few years with my wife rather than staying at a job, watching people who have the possibilty of losing their homes get laid off while i stick around.

it's just so sickening. this is a real wake up call for me. i'm beginning to realize how corporate america really is. all of us peons should be revolting against this shit. we should be standing up and marching in Washington, screaming "I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!"

but we won't.