this side of the blue

out of all my faults, there has always only been one thing about myself i desperately wished i could change. but unfortunately, what i want to change about myself can't be fixed by a plastic surgeon or lypo suction clinic. nope. what i want that i can't have is the gift of gab.

and it is a gift. those who are naturals at this sort of thing don't understand that, they think it's all about being more relaxed, not being so uptight, stop worrying so much, just do a few breathing exercises and you'll be fine. then they accuse you of not trying hard enough. [and for all you chatter-boxes, that's really insulting, so stop saying it!]

though, it is true; i don't try hard enough. i've sort of become accustomed to defeat as i've gotten older--as a defense mechanism. this is due to childhood experiences. when i did try, i was often beaten down or rejected. i think that's because my efforts always seemed very forced or strange, and it put people off. so rather than feeling abandonment again, it's less painful for me to say i'm left out because i didn't put in the effort that was needed in order to make it work.

it's because i have always been shy/awkward/aloof that i am here. don't get me wrong, i don't want to change directions in my lifestyle or anything, but i'm just trying to point out that this one small quality is such a big factor in everyones life. it has the ability to take you down road b rather than road a. i believe i have the ability to see this clearer than a person who didn't struggle with this kind of thing as a child, because i know what i'm missing out on.

i've never been able to speak to people comfortably. i come off indifferent, cold, and worst of all, boring. therefore, people draw away from me, deem me not worth getting to know, and give up on me. so what actually ends up happening is in order for me to make a friend, i have to put a helluva lot more time and effort in communicating and making the first move than most people--and this is the very thing that i'm no good at. how unfair is that?

ironically, because i'm unable to talk to people, my not talking in turn speaks VOLUMES to people. i'm sending vibes with my silence. this is a pattern that continuously repeats itself over and over, no matter what situation i'm in, who i'm around. the only people who usually give me a chance are people who are forced to be around me for extended hours over time, like at work. the people there don't feel this way about me. at least not the people closest to me.

i have to admit, i am so envious of people that are "bubbly". i want to be looked upon the same way those people are. but at least i am able to look past a shy facade and know that the person inside that awkward stance isn't necessarily an ice queen. i know that it isn't always those who draw attention to themselves that are the only people worth getting to know. i know that, and can use it to befriend others like me. maybe i could help them feel more accepted?